There are days when I am a walking sensation. My laughter is more so cells jumping across my insides, joy bubbling over my tongue, than an equation in my mind being solved. Nothing is analyzed or technical. I am all feelings. All of the proper neurons connecting. Successful take-offs and landings. This can't be every day. On the other days-the ones across the street from those mentioned- I hardly visit my body. Everything is cognition. Child-like anger. Curiosity. Boredom. Euphoria. Whether I am feeling it all or barely anything, I know that each moment smells like a path waiting to be taken. Do good. Do wrong. Be here. Be somewhere else. Looking at things this way keeps life in my deep pockets and those mystic gates wide open.
This weekend was what I thought it would be. Leisure was painted everywhere. Spending money. Regretting spending money but cherishing the food I ate. The things I bought. Happy to be alive no matter the cost. Happy to not be mopping floors, putting up chairs, cleaning a bagel container riddled with poppy seeds that did not make it to mouths. I love him so much I can not stop asking God if I can keep him. Instead of just loving him the best way I know how. God said the truth does not like to be held tight. I still squeeze it out of fear.
Every day I tell myself the same thing: doing and being are two different things. I don't want to love him in terms of doing. I have got to be love for him and to him. I must be love with him. Is that holding too tight? I want to love him as naturally as nature allows me. Nurture vs nature.
When I stepped into the visceral today, I walked a few miles. In my neighborhood I watched the cars speed by and I stopped to compare flower scents to each other. Each time I inhaled I held the mantra: I was not always here. Things were not always so serene. Be glad. A new creation in my heart are these places. The look of people. Different yet always the same. God, the artist. Repainting the same masterpiece and it never getting old. Even if they only change a nose.
The point of life is to be living. Are you living? Are you breathing? Do you wake up every morning? You are already doing it. You are already doing what you ought to. I am alive and we live together now and it is holy. It is the way things are in this moment and I am happy.
