Without Reserve or Softening

Often, I reminisce on a particular period of time I moved through. 

This group of months massed together into a collection of self-connection and discovery.

Stuck in the midst of quarantine and unable to gain anything from going anywhere new, as most people attempt to find themselves, I would spend day after day in my little sun room. I would call it the sun room because there was this obnoxious huge sliding glass door that made it impossible for the room to ever achieve full blockage of the sun and I really loathed that for a while. Sometimes a dark room can do wonders for relaxation but I wasn't set out for rest, turns out. The sun floated in every day and there I sat, in the middle of my floor, palms facing upwards, towards a new God. 

How quickly did I fill up journals during this time. Makeup hardly touched my naked skin. The only way I could describe my spirit was brazened. I would wake so early. I would drink the same cup of coffee, made the same way. These days were so routine, and routine was never a welcomed guest in my chapel. I was learning to welcome anything.

And my town felt different this time around. Home was always an obscure and windy environment. I always hated that about it. Couldn't wait to escape the sandy plains and the lack of greenery. But without hair, the wind didn't burden me in the same way. In fact, the opposite took place. I found any reason to go outside. This time was special because I knew it was.

When I look back on this person I was, when I meditate on how much love I was absorbing, I remember everything. Sometimes people look back on sweet moments and they can't feel that same sweetness because in that moment in time, they were unaware of just how good it all was. That is the difference here. I knew very well how sweet it was. Every part of me knew. It was my introduction to myself. Untainted. Many more moments such as these are lined up for me. I'm not done yet. 

Udbhav- a Hindi word meaning "the beginning of something great, origin, or genesis".

It felt like an Udbhav from the start. All of this does.

Lately I have been thinking about this quote from Jane Eyre. Jane says something along the lines of speaking without reserve or softening. I have a lot to learn from Jane. She certainly was built to be reserved and submissive, yet time and time again she held ground. I think I was built in a similar fashion. Good thing I have a muse like Jane to teach me to have some roots under my feet.