Dark Chocolate

my soulmate (because i believe in those) will hopefully make me feel the way i feel when i eat a piece of dark chocolate or maybe they will make me feel the way i do when i get to hold an elderly person's hand

or maybe they will recreate the feeling i get when i can sit on the shower floor after a gruesome shift, watching all of the espresso grinds swirl down the drain, eternal dripping of the showerhead, happy to know i can rest here

maybe they will remind me of how i felt in the forest up north, last spring 

with all the banana slugs and moss and all of the patches of sunshine that peaked through the towering trees

i think they might remember small details about me and they will know i don't have the patience for anything mediocre i want something to be horrible or absolutely on fire with goodness

there is a chance they might see me the way i have always wanted to be seen: for who i am

no one thus far has been able to achieve that, sometimes not even me

i think they would like to know my older brother. they might make conversation with him even when he is awkward because it is someone i grew up with and that counts for something

they'll remember stories i've shared with them and even when i begin to retell the same ones, they will let me say my story because i like to and it doesn't matter if they've heard it

i think i would like if they could love my inexpressible sentiment towards everything ever 

some of the people i have passed by so far have made me feel confusing to love i just don't think i loved them i loved them in the sense that they are human and i see them and i love humanity deeply and genuinely but being in LOVE in a state of love like that no that was not there even if i convinced myself it was

this post is making me feel naked