Bad Company

    Am I sound in feeling these gatherings to be so mundane? Do I think myself an upright prude in my notions about the crowd around me? Everywhere I look, I see there is a lack of.. well i don't quite know. Something that should exist in a room full of friends? But this is absent. I can't find it. In this room, I am a stranger. What's more, these people would say they are my friends. Would they? I don't know that either. Would I say these are my friends? I am a woman of many, many words. So many words that I mush and swirl them together. A great deal of ideas, opinions, curiosities. I am full of things to share! In this room, I am void of any personality. I can't say where I go. I'm back in my room in my head. I'm with people that make me feel that I can take up all of the space the room can provide me. 

    God, I feel like an asshole. These people aren't cold to me, well, not all of them. There is this sense that they do not contain the best interest of me. In friendships, truly, and until the end of time, I seek that. I go wandering for that. I deserve that. A gaping hole just sits there in my torso. I'm good for a snide comment. I'm good when someone asks me a question. But where did my own statements go? I don't want to make suggestions. I want to sit in my car and listen to my 'nowhere near' playlist. There goes my silhouette again. Then I tell myself, "You aren't a prude for wanting a different environment of people around you." I am young in the world. I've only encountered a very small percentage of the people I will ever intersect paths with. These people make me feel noticed but not embraced or they make me feel how I felt being in Esther's room, age sixteen. I existed. I was looked at. In that room, I'm just floating.  Being such a passive, swaying spirit, I've grown familiar with being okay with nearly anything. Any person, any room. 

    Stepping into my womanhood kind of makes me feel like an asshole. Now I care about who's company I'm in. Rather, who is in my company. I just know what it feels like to have friends that see every speck of you and hold it like a safe-kept grain of rice in a windstorm. In their palms, cupped. warmed. I won't settle. Tonight, I felt lonely. I miss my friend up north. My heart has a magnetic pull towards the north. Makes sense that I am headed there. I am petrified but my blind faith in myself outshines any shred of fear making its way up my spine. Goodness is in me and it surrounds my plans, my path. I believe with my eyes shut. My one prayer is that kind company finds me and encompasses me. Swallows me. I am ready for more love than my heart could even dream of.