Every ghost is my guru

Everything breaks my heart. I am fragile in the strongest sense of the word. Count me paradoxical. Call me tender. Call me what I am. Sometimes I get so down. I find myself so tampered with and poured out of that I can't deny in wondering, 'Just what is left of me?' There are moments where I have certainly and repeatedly fallen out of sorts. Yes, I have cut locks of my own hair off in anger. I've been so beaten into the Earth's core by someone I so truly did die for, there seems to be an absence of me left to carry out the duties existing calls for. Assuming, of course, I want to survive. In moments such as those, I am wholeheartedly and irrevocably human. Looking into my own drooped, swollen eyes. Seeing how tarnished I can find myself. Hating myself. Loathing whatever I've become. Finding it difficult to even identify with what looks back at me in the undusted mirror of my teenage bedroom. Feeling such a distinct sense of, "God, I did not see this for you". I wish someone, older than me, perhaps, warned me of those moments. I was never set up for heartbreaks like those. It can feel unmotivating to know that those times are almost always guaranteed when you sign up to be a human. Fresh off the astral plane. All-knowing. So unaware. 

And at every occasion in which an ache in myself stretches out for me like a lifeless hand out of a grave, I still have a deep knowing that saves me from despair. I know that where there is void, the other side of the street offers sun. Where there is unforeseeable fury, a short stroll upwards provides jasmine perfume and French bakery breads. Nothing is sourced in one shade. All colors encompass life. Color pukes on me. I sit and smile. It is because I have absolutely despised the woman I am, it is because I have thought myself lowly and unworthy in various seasons of my life, that I now cherish all that is. There may truly be nowhere to go but up in such times. When I feel that creeping in, I don't scramble for escape anymore. What is the use in acting against nature? Welcome every ghost you've got. They are our greatest teachers. And I am a willing student. I know nothing at all. I say that with my entire chest. I feel sunlight today and it matters. The rays of love touch my skin differently after my skin lacked it for so very long. To be held after such deprovision, that will teach you all you need to know.