Loose

 with every wretched tear I expelled in the past few days, i was making room in my mind, in my heart, for all the new and shiny love waiting for me in each waking moment. sometimes it shows up loudly with fists and a demanding persona. other times, in a passing wink of my coworker during a rush. there was a very aggressive frailty to me recently. the weight of my hurt was making me topple over. melt under pressure. fumbling all things carried. so. much. crying. floor crying. car crying. bent over the bathroom sink sobbing. in my boyfriend's bed with dinner on the stove crying. tonight, i was talking with the strangers coming in and out of the restaurant. making them laugh and smile. learning microscopic bits about who these people are. what do they mean to me? why have we met? many were loosened up by wine and merry company. drunk and exchanging joy with me. i thought about how i cried on my front porch to my dear friend just a few nights ago. dwindling away over how mad i am about my childhood. about this and that and the other shit. tonight i am bent over laughing with the woman visiting from Colombia. she is so incredibly drunk and happy to be arguing over who is paying the bill and somehow i am in the midst of this. and i am happy again. and no pain is forever. and a past pain should never be granted the permission to capture my present. everything will ebb and flow like it always has.