Wine

     It used to exist as some fantasy of mine back when I was adolescent. Escaping my current reality through my imagination and wondering what it would be like to drink wine. Not only what it would be like to drink it, but to drink it with people who knew me. People who knew me, every nook and part of me, and chose to love me deeply. My mind would linger here, in this yearning for adulthood. To forget about twelve. Like it never even happened. Twenty. Women I love. Women who love me. At twelve I was a mystic seer of the future. Escaping my immediate mundane ended up molding my future like some sad pottery class where everyone is a kid wishing they would be anything but that. But really, I'm happy now. Last night I sat at a round table. Not a window was without a candle. Two of my favorite friends and I shared a pizza and drank red wine out of square wine glasses. We wore all black and had our hair done. It was cinematic. We even had jazz playing. Talked about our exes, laughed about them. That is where the healing happens. Women are fantastic. There is something other-worldly about sharing space with them. My twelve-year-old self would be baffled at the life I've built for myself thus far. I hope I continue to fulfill her dreams. Ultimately, they are mine. I never thought I would have friends like the ones I have. In their presence I feel like I need a good pinch here and there to check if this is really happening. If I could say one little thing to twelve-year-old me, I would say, "There will be much more to look forward to than drinking wine."

Songs that remind me of myself

 

TTYL- Morabeza Tobacco

Multi-Family Garage Sale (Bargain-Bin Mix) - Land of The Loops

S'cooled- Blood Orange

Lorelei- Cocteau Twins

It Will Happen the Next Time Around- Ruby Haunt

Young- Frankie Cosmos

Girl Of The Year- Beach House

Diary Of A Young Man- Television Personalities

Dream Baby Dream- Suicide 

2soft2chew- IAN SWEET

Saturday Night Inside Out- The Avalanches 

17- Youth Lagoon

Weird Little Birthday Girl- Happyness

Girls Like You- The Naked and Famous

Nowhere Near- Yo La Tengo

Mis- Alex G 

Quotes I have been thinking about

 "And it's inside myself that I must create someone who will understand."- Clarice Lispector

"Stars and blossoming fruit-trees: utter permanence and extreme fragility give an equal sense of eternity." - Simone Weil

"Every word has consequences. Every silence, too."  - Jean-Paul Sartre

"To love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it. I love this world, even in its hard places." -Ellen Bass

"Most of all, I'd like to be a poem, to reach your heart and stay." - Nathaniel Handal

"I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched." - Edgar Allan Poe

Without Reserve or Softening

Often, I reminisce on a particular period of time I moved through. 

This group of months massed together into a collection of self-connection and discovery.

Stuck in the midst of quarantine and unable to gain anything from going anywhere new, as most people attempt to find themselves, I would spend day after day in my little sun room. I would call it the sun room because there was this obnoxious huge sliding glass door that made it impossible for the room to ever achieve full blockage of the sun and I really loathed that for a while. Sometimes a dark room can do wonders for relaxation but I wasn't set out for rest, turns out. The sun floated in every day and there I sat, in the middle of my floor, palms facing upwards, towards a new God. 

How quickly did I fill up journals during this time. Makeup hardly touched my naked skin. The only way I could describe my spirit was brazened. I would wake so early. I would drink the same cup of coffee, made the same way. These days were so routine, and routine was never a welcomed guest in my chapel. I was learning to welcome anything.

And my town felt different this time around. Home was always an obscure and windy environment. I always hated that about it. Couldn't wait to escape the sandy plains and the lack of greenery. But without hair, the wind didn't burden me in the same way. In fact, the opposite took place. I found any reason to go outside. This time was special because I knew it was.

When I look back on this person I was, when I meditate on how much love I was absorbing, I remember everything. Sometimes people look back on sweet moments and they can't feel that same sweetness because in that moment in time, they were unaware of just how good it all was. That is the difference here. I knew very well how sweet it was. Every part of me knew. It was my introduction to myself. Untainted. Many more moments such as these are lined up for me. I'm not done yet. 

Udbhav- a Hindi word meaning "the beginning of something great, origin, or genesis".

It felt like an Udbhav from the start. All of this does.

Lately I have been thinking about this quote from Jane Eyre. Jane says something along the lines of speaking without reserve or softening. I have a lot to learn from Jane. She certainly was built to be reserved and submissive, yet time and time again she held ground. I think I was built in a similar fashion. Good thing I have a muse like Jane to teach me to have some roots under my feet. 

⋆⛧*┈┈┈┈﹤୨♡୧﹥ ┈┈┈┈*⛧⋆

 immerse yourself in your heart

speak from your heart

be your heart, act from it

everything is found there 

let that be your residing place 

let that be your temple and your sanctuary 

let that be where every thought is birthed

love environs me. what is to give light must endure

burning. 

tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. and that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in pursuit of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with god and with eternity. 

the stars are speaking to me tonight, they are saying to me, softly, you and I are no different. we are made of the same kind of love and consciousness that turns this world everyday. 

being in love with myself gets me so stoned

on the beach, under the sun. I could spend lifetimes in their eternity, on the endless shore. perhaps I already have. I love strangers. I love to wonder, "What did it take for you and I to end up right here?" What will we gain or lose? What will I go home with and put into my hot tea the following morning? I don't forget a face. I sure do forget names. I have been crying so much lately. I've put a cast on to stop the picking. That is the only way to heal, isn't it? I have my loved ones, so I have it all.

dear God, I've been praying again. not in the way I used to, though. I hope you don't mind.

love transforms us. no matter how long we hold it in our trembling hands.

My Absolute Muse!

As a young girl, my house had one magical spot I could spend all day gazing into. The closet to the left of my narrow hall, where all of my mother's DVDs were stored. I would sit at the foot of it, analyzing each movie, looking front to back, back to front. Some of which intrigued me, others I wouldn't pick up twice. The movie that always caught my eye, the piece I looked to so curiously, was Amelie. The brisk green background. Her pale, Snow White-esque complexion. The big silver spoon in her hand, and her cat-like smile. I begged to watch this movie, time after time. Always "too young" and always so drawn to what this movie could hold. Sophomore year, I had had enough of the wondering. I laid in the middle of my full-sized bed, I closed my door, I pressed play, and I assure you, I did not move an inch. My whole life changed. I had never felt a resonance so strong. I loved her outlook on life. I saw how much she lived to help others and be a part of their stories. The French language is sexy, but the movie hardly relies on that. She is so captivating and unafraid of her pursuits. I learn from her each and every time I watch it. I love the character introductions. The developing plot freezes as each new person is met and the audience is shown their likes and dislikes. The opening scenes of Amelie as a child are engraved in my mind. The shot of her eating the raspberries off of each individual finger inspire me to only eat raspberries in that identical manner. Just to pay homage to little Amelie. The side story of Amelie's coworker, who is chronically sick, and her jealous lover, always makes me giggle, sometimes I just watch the movie for that particular side plot. Not to mention, Amelie's quaint waitress aesthetic is to die for, and she has proven to be one of my fashion inspirations, always. The best scene is undoubtedly when Amelie and Nico meet for the first time. The way they kiss- I can hardly stand to watch it without blushing. I owe so much to this movie and could talk about it until my mouth falls off.