Wine

     It used to exist as some fantasy of mine back when I was adolescent. Escaping my current reality through my imagination and wondering what it would be like to drink wine. Not only what it would be like to drink it, but to drink it with people who knew me. People who knew me, every nook and part of me, and chose to love me deeply. My mind would linger here, in this yearning for adulthood. To forget about twelve. Like it never even happened. Twenty. Women I love. Women who love me. At twelve I was a mystic seer of the future. Escaping my immediate mundane ended up molding my future like some sad pottery class where everyone is a kid wishing they would be anything but that. But really, I'm happy now. Last night I sat at a round table. Not a window was without a candle. Two of my favorite friends and I shared a pizza and drank red wine out of square wine glasses. We wore all black and had our hair done. It was cinematic. We even had jazz playing. Talked about our exes, laughed about them. That is where the healing happens. Women are fantastic. There is something other-worldly about sharing space with them. My twelve-year-old self would be baffled at the life I've built for myself thus far. I hope I continue to fulfill her dreams. Ultimately, they are mine. I never thought I would have friends like the ones I have. In their presence I feel like I need a good pinch here and there to check if this is really happening. If I could say one little thing to twelve-year-old me, I would say, "There will be much more to look forward to than drinking wine."

Songs that remind me of myself

 

TTYL- Morabeza Tobacco

Multi-Family Garage Sale (Bargain-Bin Mix) - Land of The Loops

S'cooled- Blood Orange

Lorelei- Cocteau Twins

It Will Happen the Next Time Around- Ruby Haunt

Young- Frankie Cosmos

Girl Of The Year- Beach House

Diary Of A Young Man- Television Personalities

Dream Baby Dream- Suicide 

2soft2chew- IAN SWEET

Saturday Night Inside Out- The Avalanches 

17- Youth Lagoon

Weird Little Birthday Girl- Happyness

Girls Like You- The Naked and Famous

Nowhere Near- Yo La Tengo

Mis- Alex G 

Quotes I have been thinking about

 "And it's inside myself that I must create someone who will understand."- Clarice Lispector

"Stars and blossoming fruit-trees: utter permanence and extreme fragility give an equal sense of eternity." - Simone Weil

"Every word has consequences. Every silence, too."  - Jean-Paul Sartre

"To love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it. I love this world, even in its hard places." -Ellen Bass

"Most of all, I'd like to be a poem, to reach your heart and stay." - Nathaniel Handal

"I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched." - Edgar Allan Poe

Without Reserve or Softening

Often, I reminisce on a particular period of time I moved through. 

This group of months massed together into a collection of self-connection and discovery.

Stuck in the midst of quarantine and unable to gain anything from going anywhere new, as most people attempt to find themselves, I would spend day after day in my little sun room. I would call it the sun room because there was this obnoxious huge sliding glass door that made it impossible for the room to ever achieve full blockage of the sun and I really loathed that for a while. Sometimes a dark room can do wonders for relaxation but I wasn't set out for rest, turns out. The sun floated in every day and there I sat, in the middle of my floor, palms facing upwards, towards a new God. 

How quickly did I fill up journals during this time. Makeup hardly touched my naked skin. The only way I could describe my spirit was brazened. I would wake so early. I would drink the same cup of coffee, made the same way. These days were so routine, and routine was never a welcomed guest in my chapel. I was learning to welcome anything.

And my town felt different this time around. Home was always an obscure and windy environment. I always hated that about it. Couldn't wait to escape the sandy plains and the lack of greenery. But without hair, the wind didn't burden me in the same way. In fact, the opposite took place. I found any reason to go outside. This time was special because I knew it was.

When I look back on this person I was, when I meditate on how much love I was absorbing, I remember everything. Sometimes people look back on sweet moments and they can't feel that same sweetness because in that moment in time, they were unaware of just how good it all was. That is the difference here. I knew very well how sweet it was. Every part of me knew. It was my introduction to myself. Untainted. Many more moments such as these are lined up for me. I'm not done yet. 

Udbhav- a Hindi word meaning "the beginning of something great, origin, or genesis".

It felt like an Udbhav from the start. All of this does.

Lately I have been thinking about this quote from Jane Eyre. Jane says something along the lines of speaking without reserve or softening. I have a lot to learn from Jane. She certainly was built to be reserved and submissive, yet time and time again she held ground. I think I was built in a similar fashion. Good thing I have a muse like Jane to teach me to have some roots under my feet.