Snake Charmer Librarian

Dear Diary,
    Having something to look forward to is a vital, secret, kept under wraps tool to navigate Winter. I am very much looking forward to being on a remote ranch in the middle of the Texan hills for a handful of days this Christmas. Holding babies and hopefully joining in on new traditions. Traditions of love and memory. That will bring me to a good place within myself and closer to Jake, who I adore. 
    I will also be turning twenty-five in one month. A month from Christmas Eve. On my birthday, I will be in Amsterdam, with a heart full of butterflies. Praying the sun is out that day although it will be in Netherlands in the middle of Winter. I feel that I have already made my younger self unbearably proud, but she deserves to be in Amsterdam for her birthday. She deserves that. The woman I am right now deserves that. It is all just cherries on top of an already very stunning life. My luck doubles the longer I live. 
    University begins in January, and I can finally un-pause my education quest. This wakes up every bone in my body. Being in a classroom for hours upon hours a week, a month. I can hardly wait. I keep having this fantasy where I only dress in long, flowing, white clothing while I attend class and while I study. White is the color that absorbs everything in front of it, around it, above it. My heart wants to soak through all knowledge bestowed unto me and I feel strongly about the retention of all that I have the privilege to learn. Please, God, don't let any of this slip between my fingers. 
    Today at work I got politely scolded for clocking in and then immediately using the bathroom. I was told that I should be "using the restroom on my own time and THEN clocking in to work. Or I should announce that I am taking a break after I have already been working for a while and THEN using the bathroom". As I was listening, I thought to myself, "I'm going to go to school" and everything drifted away. 
    On another note, remember a few months ago when I said that this Fall, I was going to be the sexiest I've ever been? Done! Perhaps it had something to do with plucking my eyebrows extremely thin? Was that the catalyst? Probably. As I said before, sexiness is 20% appearance and 80% percent attitude, flair, aura, etc. This Fall, I tried to hold myself differently. I tried new hairstyles, wore shoes that boosted up my posture. I listened to music that made me feel like I was a snake charmer stuck in a hot librarian's body. Stuff like Prince Innocence, Blood Orange, Kim Yaffa, Smerz, FKA twigs, and Little Annie. And being the sexiest version of yourself doesn't mean you sell yourself away to Aphrodite's will. Or that you take on any other muse's carbon copy of style and heart. You must be you. There is no other way to be sexy. Imitation breeds failure. 
    You must tap into what specifically makes you ooze oo la la. For me? I really love reading. Knowledge is steamy. Anytime I have ever had a horribly distracting crush, I probably picked up on the fact that they knew something that I didn't. And I needed to find out just what that was. Intellect is promising, curious, and mystery. It is sexy! That's where I'm sitting anyhow. So I started there. I wore more rectangular glasses. Mostly wire-trimmed or an unexpected color. I rolled up my hair into slick buns with an excess of pins and clips. I wore turtlenecks that were form fitting or tight shirts with collars. Soft knits, too. Clothing that could be found underneath professional blazers but wasn't. That'd be overkill. 

    The story goes that it is nice to have goals. Even silly, worldly ones like "being the sexiest I have ever been this Fall". I didn't take it too seriously because that usually doesn't get me anywhere meaningful or authentic. I just had fun and looked forward to what playing with my avatar every day would bring. Caring too much about how I looked was never the ultimate goal (dissolving the space between God and I a little bit every day being what I actually try to fix my eyes on) but it was good play. Focus is healthy. Goals are, too. What might be the sexiest thing of all? Devotion. But we will get to that next year.

Insignificant but Created Anyway

    Since we've last spoke, so much has been alive inside of me. The desire to unfurl each ounce of detail relentlessly and recklessly is stronger than the urge to reproduce these feelings eloquently. I'm going to do my best. 

    Around the tail end of Autumn, I read Gabi Abrão's "Notes on Shapeshifting". In the fashion of any good book, things went from there. I, myself, was closing an important chapter in my life (which I am always doing, and I always say I am doing but this time I mean it). For two years and in three separate apartments, I lived alone. It was my two years of Rest and Relaxation on speed. So much crying. So much dancing. So many candle-lit dinners alone. Painting the walls. Drunk in my kitchen making omelets. I was happy. Really, really happy. I would tell myself that I was "Burning My Fire for No Witness" like Angel Olsen's album. It's a good mantra, I've found. 

    Like all magnificent seasons, it had to end. Not end, necessarily, but shapeshift. I took a lot of heart and reasoning from Abrão's book. It made me feel strong in facing impending change. My boyfriend and I decided to move in together in October and many of the shapes I was used to look different now. I got so used to saying "I" this or "my" that. Being a part of a unit, sharing forks and spoons, compromising, sharing with someone, face to face, at the end of each day felt so new. Sometimes it still does. It is a special type of life when you share it. What I enjoy most is knowing how parallel our lives seem to be in this moment. I have a sense that neither of us will get lost in the other's story. 

    We went to Chicago shortly after moving in together and it was simply perfect. The towering buildings made me feel like a small fish in a vast ocean. Insignificant but created anyway. Breathing despite whatever. The Hispanic food flooded us with memories and comfort. That's something we miss being so far from our original homes. We ran around the city, rode the train, listened to music, watched episodes of The Wire back at our Airbnb. Saw the museums, touched Lake Michigan's water, and gawked at every layer of brick we saw. I also discovered Irish car bombs. Those are awesome. We were in the wind, he and I. I love when we're like that. 

    Everything feels like it is going so fast, even now that it is Winter. One thing you should know about me is that I dislike anything that feels as though it is going against its nature. I'm feeling unsettled as Winter is a time to get into your cave. I've slowed down somewhat but sometimes there is too much fun to be had. I also got accepted to the local university and will be starting there soon. School will only quicken the speed at which all this is going but I also know that my cup will be overflowing. If I am in a classroom, I am seated with joy. Hoping to slow down when I can, breathe deeply when the Winter blues threaten their worst, and remember that there is a new day every day. A new day to change the things within me that make my experiences tougher than they need to be. A new day to be gentle to the judgement I tend to place on people and things when I am uncomfortable with myself. A new day to continue to be this person I have been and open my arms to her, without flinching.

    Honestly, I would not say that this is the best I have ever felt. I have not been meditating as much and when I go to work, I feel a foreign and new sense of existentialism. Sometimes even dread. I am working with those signals and staying on the side of curiosity. My body still has much to teach me, as my breathing has become difficult over the last couple of months and my stomach still puts me through challenges. I am learning that my body is not a project, not a lab result, or a piece of a frustrating puzzle. It is a temple and a tether to the Earth. A gift from something I feel currently a bit far away from. It is comforting to believe that aches and pains are not futile. 

    Even if I have nothing, I have the ability to choose my inward lens. This is a time in my life where many things feel destabilizing and many, many things are so beautiful I cannot look at them for too long. God is in between every hunch on this page. They're going to be at my Irish car bomb themed housewarming party, too. I missed you. I hope you don't think I'm an absent older sister with big feelings. Be warm and always say what you mean.