Around the tail end of Autumn, I read Gabi Abrão's "Notes on Shapeshifting". In the fashion of any good book, things went from there. I, myself, was closing an important chapter in my life (which I am always doing, and I always say I am doing but this time I mean it). For two years and in three separate apartments, I lived alone. It was my two years of Rest and Relaxation on speed. So much crying. So much dancing. So many candle-lit dinners alone. Painting the walls. Drunk in my kitchen making omelets. I was happy. Really, really happy. I would tell myself that I was "Burning My Fire for No Witness" like Angel Olsen's album. It's a good mantra, I've found.
Like all magnificent seasons, it had to end. Not end, necessarily, but shapeshift. I took a lot of heart and reasoning from Abrão's book. It made me feel strong in facing impending change. My boyfriend and I decided to move in together in October and many of the shapes I was used to look different now. I got so used to saying "I" this or "my" that. Being a part of a unit, sharing forks and spoons, compromising, sharing with someone, face to face, at the end of each day felt so new. Sometimes it still does. It is a special type of life when you share it. What I enjoy most is knowing how parallel our lives seem to be in this moment. I have a sense that neither of us will get lost in the other's story.
We went to Chicago shortly after moving in together and it was simply perfect. The towering buildings made me feel like a small fish in a vast ocean. Insignificant but created anyway. Breathing despite whatever. The Hispanic food flooded us with memories and comfort. That's something we miss being so far from our original homes. We ran around the city, rode the train, listened to music, watched episodes of The Wire back at our Airbnb. Saw the museums, touched Lake Michigan's water, and gawked at every layer of brick we saw. I also discovered Irish car bombs. Those are awesome. We were in the wind, he and I. I love when we're like that.
Everything feels like it is going so fast, even now that it is Winter. One thing you should know about me is that I dislike anything that feels as though it is going against its nature. I'm feeling unsettled as Winter is a time to get into your cave. I've slowed down somewhat but sometimes there is too much fun to be had. I also got accepted to the local university and will be starting there soon. School will only quicken the speed at which all this is going but I also know that my cup will be overflowing. If I am in a classroom, I am seated with joy. Hoping to slow down when I can, breathe deeply when the Winter blues threaten their worst, and remember that there is a new day every day. A new day to change the things within me that make my experiences tougher than they need to be. A new day to be gentle to the judgement I tend to place on people and things when I am uncomfortable with myself. A new day to continue to be this person I have been and open my arms to her, without flinching.
Honestly, I would not say that this is the best I have ever felt. I have not been meditating as much and when I go to work, I feel a foreign and new sense of existentialism. Sometimes even dread. I am working with those signals and staying on the side of curiosity. My body still has much to teach me, as my breathing has become difficult over the last couple of months and my stomach still puts me through challenges. I am learning that my body is not a project, not a lab result, or a piece of a frustrating puzzle. It is a temple and a tether to the Earth. A gift from something I feel currently a bit far away from. It is comforting to believe that aches and pains are not futile.
Even if I have nothing, I have the ability to choose my inward lens. This is a time in my life where many things feel destabilizing and many, many things are so beautiful I cannot look at them for too long. God is in between every hunch on this page. They're going to be at my Irish car bomb themed housewarming party, too. I missed you. I hope you don't think I'm an absent older sister with big feelings. Be warm and always say what you mean.
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