Having something to look forward to is a vital, secret, kept under wraps tool to navigate Winter. I am very much looking forward to being on a remote ranch in the middle of the Texan hills for a handful of days this Christmas. Holding babies and hopefully joining in on new traditions. Traditions of love and memory. That will bring me to a good place within myself and closer to Jake, who I adore.
I will also be turning twenty-five in one month. A month from Christmas Eve. On my birthday, I will be in Amsterdam, with a heart full of butterflies. Praying the sun is out that day although it will be in Netherlands in the middle of Winter. I feel that I have already made my younger self unbearably proud, but she deserves to be in Amsterdam for her birthday. She deserves that. The woman I am right now deserves that. It is all just cherries on top of an already very stunning life. My luck doubles the longer I live.
University begins in January, and I can finally un-pause my education quest. This wakes up every bone in my body. Being in a classroom for hours upon hours a week, a month. I can hardly wait. I keep having this fantasy where I only dress in long, flowing, white clothing while I attend class and while I study. White is the color that absorbs everything in front of it, around it, above it. My heart wants to soak through all knowledge bestowed unto me and I feel strongly about the retention of all that I have the privilege to learn. Please, God, don't let any of this slip between my fingers.
Today at work I got politely scolded for clocking in and then immediately using the bathroom. I was told that I should be "using the restroom on my own time and THEN clocking in to work. Or I should announce that I am taking a break after I have already been working for a while and THEN using the bathroom". As I was listening, I thought to myself, "I'm going to go to school" and everything drifted away.
On another note, remember a few months ago when I said that this Fall, I was going to be the sexiest I've ever been? Done! Perhaps it had something to do with plucking my eyebrows extremely thin? Was that the catalyst? Probably. As I said before, sexiness is 20% appearance and 80% percent attitude, flair, aura, etc. This Fall, I tried to hold myself differently. I tried new hairstyles, wore shoes that boosted up my posture. I listened to music that made me feel like I was a snake charmer stuck in a hot librarian's body. Stuff like Prince Innocence, Blood Orange, Kim Yaffa, Smerz, FKA twigs, and Little Annie. And being the sexiest version of yourself doesn't mean you sell yourself away to Aphrodite's will. Or that you take on any other muse's carbon copy of style and heart. You must be you. There is no other way to be sexy. Imitation breeds failure.
You must tap into what specifically makes you ooze oo la la. For me? I really love reading. Knowledge is steamy. Anytime I have ever had a horribly distracting crush, I probably picked up on the fact that they knew something that I didn't. And I needed to find out just what that was. Intellect is promising, curious, and mystery. It is sexy! That's where I'm sitting anyhow. So I started there. I wore more rectangular glasses. Mostly wire-trimmed or an unexpected color. I rolled up my hair into slick buns with an excess of pins and clips. I wore turtlenecks that were form fitting or tight shirts with collars. Soft knits, too. Clothing that could be found underneath professional blazers but wasn't. That'd be overkill.
The story goes that it is nice to have goals. Even silly, worldly ones like "being the sexiest I have ever been this Fall". I didn't take it too seriously because that usually doesn't get me anywhere meaningful or authentic. I just had fun and looked forward to what playing with my avatar every day would bring. Caring too much about how I looked was never the ultimate goal (dissolving the space between God and I a little bit every day being what I actually try to fix my eyes on) but it was good play. Focus is healthy. Goals are, too. What might be the sexiest thing of all? Devotion. But we will get to that next year.
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