Bruised knee in the love scene

I love my dad 

I don't know who he is 

but I have caught these glimpses of him recently

He has a lot of pride, sometimes to his own undoing, but mostly in an honorable sense. 

Concerning himself with the outside world is not his first inclination, I feel like he even could be seen as hermit-esque. Maybe that rubbed off on me. I used to judge him so quickly. Like lighting a match, no opportunity to pause and look in the doors of anger and what can be guarded behind them.

And when I miss him now, I like to think of this one time. We were driving down a long mountain road in his new car. Everyone in the car lightly chatted about the day and the weather and the things people say to fill silence and all of that. A Death Cab for Cutie song came on. I Will Possess Your Heart. The conversation naturally trailed off and we continued passing ancient trees. I looked out the windows. God, how much I love this song. God, it reminds me of my dad. God, it might always be some metaphysical tie between him and myself. That tie can live in my heart forever. Peace can be immortal I am starting to find. 

I felt a foreign comfort in that. In the deathly long intro to the song. A small joy in how we all quietly sang the song to ourselves. A family not close enough to perform the song all together but singing it in our own ways all in one space. I felt love. Feels nice to write about that. I wonder if he knows that was special to me. He doesn't have to. 

I Intend to Butter my Bread

This is the color of my ache. This is what it looks like inside every channel I've got. This itch is especially tiresome. I can feel it as potent as a poison but with every dose there exists a chance of a cure. 

Everlasting gamble

Despite all odds, I take that bet nearly every chance I get. And did I mention how worn out I have gotten? How hope is distant and even my memories are starting to flee. They are being carried far away from me. It is the future me doing the heavy lifting and I will sing again. 

 Decay

I will do as I always do. I will say prayers. I will get up every day, even after those dreams that I get. Alchemically, I'll turn all these ashes into some relic. There is no spark in me to ask the stars to grant me just one word to you. Even the planets are averting their eyes. Let it die, they digress.

Cosmic facade 

All things boil down to a choice and I am choosing to up and quit. Quit you like I smoked my last pack. Quit you like a hangover the following morning. Quit you like an ache in the pit of your stomach after all those immediate delights. Refusal to wager any ounce of happiness I feel. 

Debut 

The thought of you, redundant. It is turbulent work to build you in a light that makes it make sense. All of this, nonsense. I kiss your essence and send it away, at great lengths. I intend to butter my bread tomorrow morning. Taking it slow, as I do. I do as I please. It's all for me now. 

I have an indiscriminate sympathy for absolutely everything. 

in life there is no winning, only being. only breathing. only noticing and pushing forward. 

my shoulders bruised from the sheer heaviness of this era, and it appears true 

True that I have carried this all and chosen to do so.

There is no 'sharing the load' in my mind, for reasons unknown.

I no longer yearn for what everybody else has. It could be a sign that I am coming into my own. Let it be a sign, God. Say it out loud. You are feeling the ebbs and flows with an even mightier tide now. It is like that song you used to sing, making your bed up all pearled and tidy, those summer dawns. 

Gotta pay some agony if we wanna have ecstasy

crib tour

 

Spent my last dollar getting to the beach

What is the harm in calling yourself what you want to become? Maybe saying it out loud, maybe faking it until it is true?

It won't hurt to try I am just scared sometimes, that's all

so, I am a poet now. 

You don't always have to be born one. I decided by the seaside today. 

I can be anything as long as I am by the ocean. I'll be anything if I feel at home. 

Every drop in the sea is a lullaby to an infant. Every grain of sand, the work of a thousand men. 

The seashells stoned from the thrashing around. That wind isn't very nice and if I didn't feel it against me constantly, I'd dare say it didn't exist. How else did the tide drag all those shells to my feet? 

My feet. Those I do like. Those I think real. Because I am real. I'm not always what I want to be, but I can say I always exist. 

The mermaids, they do not say much. They can smell your desperation to speak with them.

Smells of desperation with underlying hints of doubt, they will tell you nothing.

Offer them shiny things and ask before drinking the water, they'll throw you a line.

I want to be like them. Waking up, mirror in hand, gawking over myself. My mind made up. 

The sea tried to kill me once when I was seven. The mermaids stole my family heirloom ring. 

All these things and still I would spend years in the muck that is the beach. 

The billboard beer selling venue, a dollar, another another another dollar

I spend my last paycheck on the gas to get there and the mermaids know that. 

I saw starfish the size of my head. 

I forgot what kissing feels like already.

It is better that I forget. 

Mermaids don't date; they are simply infatuated with themselves. 

That better suits me. 

That is a poet if I knew better. You'd have no way to prove if I knew better. 

Today at Sea

Today at sea, I saw my reflection in the murky tide

I saw a version of me I cannot hide

If there were a woman there 

She would have cried

If not for the deep siren's lullaby 

And there, in the sky, I saw something new

A beautiful feeling 

A hope for you and I

I pray to the sea, asking this to stay

Let it be true

 when i am in a good mood, the world seems to be in the same state